Rev Associate Professor Robyn Whitaker explores the theme of faith and forgiveness.
By Rev Associate Professor Robyn Whitaker
My first ministry placement as a newly ordained 24-year-old was in a Victorian rural town. I was one of only two female clergy for quite some distance and something strange started to happen a year or so into that placement.
Women started seeking me out, coming to speak to me about things they weren’t comfortable sharing with their male pastors. These women, from a range of denominations, all had something in common — they had survived domestic violence or childhood abuse and they wanted to know how ‘to forgive’ their abusers.
Familiar themes wove throughout those conversations about forgiveness. Many were resistant to the idea because they thought forgiveness meant forgetting; that forgiveness meant going back to an abusive marriage; that forgiveness meant no accountability; that forgiveness meant being unsafe. Yet, they also had been told that to be a good Christian you had to forgive.
Forgiveness lies at the heart of Christian faith. The gospels portray Jesus announcing ‘your sins are forgiven’ through his ministry, something we continue to proclaim on Sunday mornings in liturgies around the world. Forgiveness is central to our own experience of God’s grace and to our relationships with one another.
But, for survivors of domestic and family violence (or other abuse), forgiveness can be a problematic area of Christian theology. For some, forgiveness is a profound, life-giving grace that allows them to move on. Others talk about feeling the pressure to forgive and not knowing how. How do you let go of anger, resentment or hurt after abuse? In the worst cases, forgiveness is coerced or even part of the pattern of abuse.
Julia Baird notes the problematic possibilities of forgiveness in her book ‘Bright Shining’ writing, “the assumption often tends to be that it’s good to forgive. Even that you must forgive. Even if, in many cases, forgiveness can be poison for the abused”.
The ‘poison’ Baird points to is one that has been well documented. It is what happens when the abused are told they have to forgive, that it is their responsibility to reconcile, and that they must model Christ’s grace to those who harm them. We know women have been told this by church leaders even when their abusers may not be remorseful or willing to change. And, worse, they have been told that forgiveness means not pursuing justice or remaining in an unsafe relationship.
In the Japanese art of kintsugi, broken pottery is repaired with gold rather than concealed, creating beauty from the visible traces of its history.
Partly due to these complex dynamics, forgiveness was the topic of one of the panels at The Wesley Centre’s sold-out ‘Gendered Violence’ conference earlier this year. The conference was the first of its kind for The Wesley Centre. The goal was to bring together theologians, church leaders, researchers and survivors to explore how faith intersects with gendered violence and how (good) theology can help combat violence. Other conference panels explored theologies of gender, how to handle biblical texts that are violent or have been interpreted in harmful ways, and even how pornography is shaping young people’s views of sex in alarming ways.
But, what did we learn about forgiveness?
Firstly, that we must uncouple forgiveness from repentance. Both are important and desirable in biblical teaching, but they are not necessarily connected. Forgiveness belongs to the victim or wronged party. Repentance, on the other hand, is the work of the person who does harm. It involves seeking to understand the harm, recognising the wrong, changing behaviour, and, when appropriate, making amends. And all this work is done without expectation of forgiveness, but rather because it is the right thing to do when you harm someone.
Secondly, forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Forgiveness does not mean a lack of accountability or a return to an unsafe environment. That is paramount. You might forgive an abusive spouse but still leave the marriage and still seek justice in the courts.
Lastly, if we understand forgiveness does not negate justice, we might appreciate it for the spiritual gift it is. One of the biblical Greek words translated for forgiveness (aphiemi) means ‘letting go’ or ‘releasing’ (the other is grace, charis). Forgiveness then, can be a way of letting go of the hold that an abuser has over one’s life, a way of releasing the anger and hurt. Forgiveness can be healing. That is the good news we proclaim. But… only if we don’t conflate it with forgetting.
Rev Associate Professor Robyn Whitaker is Director of The Wesley Centre for Theology, Ethics, and Public Policy and Associate Professor New Testament at Pilgrim Theological College.
